He Said She Said | Conflict that Unifies

Message Recap

3 Keys to Conflict that Unifies

Independence = reliant only on self - shallow connectivity 
Codependence = no sense of autonomy, relies on relationship for identity, warning signs: No boundaries, manipulation, no personal goals or interests, low self esteem, blaming and controlling
Interdependence = strong sense of self, but chooses to be vulnerable, develop depth of relationship

[Mark 10:6-9]
God made them male and female from the beginning of creation. 7 ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, 8 and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, 9 let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

The 2 are united as one, but we are still 2, that’s why learning to become great at conflict is essential for a great interdependent relationship.

Conflict done right actually brings you together

When you’re dating opposites ATTRACT.  When you’re married opposites ATTACK.

We are not looking for perfect marriages we are looking for healthy marriages.

If we are going to have HEALTHY marriages we must have more conflicts and have them better

1. Attack the PROBLEM not the PERSON


If you attack the PERSON the problem gets worse.  If you attack the PROBLEM the person gets better.

Your spouse is not the problem.  Your spouse is amazing.

Sometimes it takes a lot of digging to unearth the problem.

Sometimes you have to fight yourself.

2. Have the courage to wrestle with yourself

Depending on the magnitude of the conflict people are asking themselves…
In light of this conflict, am I still fully committed to this relationship?
In light of this conflict, are they still fully committed to this relationship?

[John 6:26]
Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, you want to be with me because I fed you, not because you understood the miraculous signs.

[John 6:51]
I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.”

[John 6:52]
Then the people began arguing with each other about what he meant. “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” they asked.

[John 6:53-56]
So Jesus said again, “I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you cannot have eternal life within you. 54 But anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise that person at the last day. 55 For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. 56 Anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him.

[John 6]
At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. 67 Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?”
68 Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. 69 We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.

Jesus rebuked their own material and earthly motivations for following Him. If they did not seek Him by the Spirit instead of seeking Him for food and a kingdom, then they had not come to Him at all.

Affirm and reaffirm your commitment to this relationship.

3. Don’t lose HOPE

There’s a lot of conversations that need to be had.  There maybe a substantial amount of healing that needs to take place, and that takes time.

Discussion Questions

Questions for all:

  • Do you generally avoid conflict or embrace it?

  • What is it about conflict that discourages you?

  • What is it about conflict the encourages you?

  • How have you seen or experienced positive/healthy conflict?

  • How have you seen or experienced negative conflict?

  • How can you allow Jesus to rekindle hope in your life this week?

  • Much of conflict comes from unmet expectations. What are some things you can do to help avoid this type of conflict? What are some things you can do to when this type of conflict takes place?

  • Why do you think we tend to attack the person and not the problem?

  • What does it mean to you to wrestle with yourself?

Amanda Majors